Dog River Dave/Transcript
Brent Leroy: All right, that's 52, even, for the gas. Chris: How do you live with yourself, charging so much? Brent: I sit around with the other members of OPEC and we yuk it up. Chris: Funny guy, huh? Brent: Yeah, I like to kid around. Chris: Do you like to check the oil? Brent: Right away, Your Highness. See? Chris: Another brilliant one. Hey, how do people live in a place like this? Brent: Ah, it's a nice easy pace. Just go about our business and every now and then we sacrifice the odd lonely stranger to one of our pagan gods. Your oil's good, by the way. Chris: Hey, you know what people in this town could really use? A self-service gas station. What, no snappy comeback? Brent: Serve yourself a comeback. You still owe me 52 bucks. Lacey Burrows: Do you ever feel like you're just spinning your wheels? Wanda Dollard: No. I feel pretty fulfilled. Lacey: You know, you don't have to be sarcastic. Wanda: I wasn't. Lacey: What about you, Brent? Do you ever feel like you're just spinning your wheels? Brent: Never. Unless I'm actually spinning my wheels, like in mud or something. I guess that goes without saying. Lacey: Oh, that's one of my pet peeves, people that say, "that goes without saying" after they've just said something. Wanda: One of my pet peeves is when people think I'm being sarcastic when I'm being genuine. Brent: Were you being sarcastic there? Wanda: No. This is sarcasm. You're a giant of a man, a brilliant boss, and I'm lucky to be working for you. Brent: You work? Wow, that is sarcasm. Karen Pelly: So? How'd it go? Davis Quinton: Not good. No raise in the police operating budget this year. Oh, don't look at me like that. I fought. I fought hard. Davis: So can we have more money? Fitzy Fitzgerald: No. Davis: Yes, sir, Mr. Mayor. Davis: I said some things I shouldn't have said. Karen: Like, "Yes, sir, Mr. Mayor"? Davis: You were there? Emma Leroy: What are you doing? I told you not to put that in your mouth unless you were sick. Oscar Leroy: And didn't I tell you to buy toothpicks? Emma: Oh, great, teethmarks. Oscar: Oh, great. Now you're puttin' it in your mouth. Emma: I'm taking my temperature. Oscar: You got an excuse for everything. Emma: Ah, 102. Oscar: Stop talkin' that metric nonsense. Emma: I'd better lay down. Can you run to The Ruby and get me some soup? Oscar: I can't. I'm, uh I'm listening to my favourite radio show. Chris (radio): You're listening to CJKL, the Jackal, Regina's best rock, rock, rock... Lacey (phone): Hello? Emma (phone): Oh, hey, Lacey. Can you send some soup over? Lacey (phone): Oh, hi, Emma. No, I don't really do delivery. Emma (phone): Well, I, I was hoping you could make an exception. Lacey (phone): Well, if I do it for you, I'll have to do it for everyone. Emma (phone): I don't have a problem with that. Lacey (phone): Well, okay. But just this once and only because I like you so much. But this can never happen again. I have to be firm, here, Emma. Is that understood? Good. Wanda: That was convincing. Oh, and that time I was being sarcastic. Lacey: Well, that goes without saying. Chris (radio): Who do I have on the line? It's me, Dog River Dave. I work at a gas station at the corner and I have gas, all the time. Oscar: That's Brent. Emma: No, it's not. Oscar: Oh, what do you know. You're sick. And quit breathin' over me. Lacey: Hank, Emma called. She wants some soup delivered. Hank: And ya want me to watch over the place while you go? Lacey: Um...well, no. Hank: Oh. You want me to go deliver it to 'em? Lacey: That would be better. Karen: No extra money in the budget? Well, I am not taking this lying down. Davis: What do you mean by that? Karen: I just don't think you should be lying down when you take things. Hey, maybe we should go on strike. Davis: A bit drastic, don't you think? Karen: We have to do something. Arrestee: Why don't you work to rule? Just do the bare minimum that's in the job description and nothing more. Karen: Hey, that's not a bad idea. Davis: Okay. It's time. Emma: Thanks, Hank. Hank: No problem. Hey, did I, uh, hear Brent on the radio on the way over? Oscar: See? I told ya. Hah! Hank: Uh, how about a tip? Emma: Don't marry the first person who asks. Hank: I'm, uh, movin' it now. Karen: I wouldn't even call this triple parked. I'd call it quadruple parked. Maybe quintuple parked. Hank: I don't think quintwiple's even a word. Okay, well I'm just makin' a delivery for The Ruby, so I'll... Karen: The Ruby's delivering? Oscar: I heard you on the radio. Brent: What? Oscar: You're Dog River Dave. Wanda: You're not making any sense. I mean I'm not surprised, I'm just saying. Oscar: You were on the radio! I heard you on the radio. Brent: Sorry, Dad, I think you might be wrong about this one. Hank: Hey, Brent, you're on the radio. Brent: There. That proves you're wrong. Wanda: If only there was some way to solve this debate. If only if only we had some kinda box that could pull radio signals from the air. Hank: There's that trademark Wanda sarcasm. Wanda: See? Hank gets it. Oh my God, Hank gets it. Chris (radio): Hello. It's me, Dog River Dave. I work at Corner Gas and I've got a lotta gas. Oscar: See? I told ya. Brent: That's not me. Oscar: Why didn't you tell me you were on the radio? I'm your father. Brent: Well, before you go all Cats in the Cradle, that's not me. Chris (radio): I tried to blow up my car, but I burned my mouth on the exhaust. Oscar: How can I stay mad at somebody so funny? Exhaust. Brent: That's not me. Hank: This Dog River Dave's sure got your sense of humour. Brent: No, he doesn't. He's just some goof who works at a gas station who thinks he's funny. What? Denizen: See ya, Dog River Dave. Hank: What's the big deal? I think it's kinda cool. Brent: I just, I don't know why everybody thinks it's me, or based on me. Hank: Well, the guy on the radio is from Dog River, pumps gas, and he thinks he's really funny. Brent: I fail to see your point. Hank: Aw, come on. I mean, if your life were a TV show, that's what the TV show would be. Brent: My life a TV show? Who's gonna watch that? Hank: Well, maybe if there was some really cool cameos. Cindy Klassen: Hi, there. I'm six-time Olympic medallist Cindy Klassen. Brent: Hi. We're just kinda in the middle of something. Klassen: Oh. Hank: Good job, though. Klassen: Thanks. Brent: Yeah, now the whole town thinks I'm a laughing stock. I mean how do you deal with that? Hank: You mean how does, uh, one deal with that? Brent: No, I mean how do you, Hank Yarbo, deal with people laughing at you, Hank Yarbo, all the time? Lacey: I really don't want to offer delivery. Wanda: Why not? Lacey: Everybody seems really into it. Wanda: Yeah, that would be kind of a drag, dealing with success. Oscar: Sure, be sarcastic. That's your answer to everything. Wanda: I wasn't being sarcastic, I was being genuine. And it would be kind of a drag, because you would be making a lot of money and there would probably be tax ramifications. Geez. Can't a girl concur with a hypothesis around here? Oscar: You're crazy not to do delivery. You know what your real problem is? Lacey: No, Oscar. But I'm sure I'm about to find out. Oscar: Ya have no people skills. Lacey: That's ridiculous. Oscar: Are you calling me a crazy old crank? Lacey: I would never use the word "old" to your face. Oscar: I want to file a complaint. Lacey called me a cranky old man. Davis: You are kinda cranky. Oscar: Well, this is one of those whatchamacallit, hate crimes. Davis: Sorry, Oscar. I'm working to rule. I can't even have this conversation. Oscar: Well, I'm goin' over your head. Oscar: And then Davis told me they're workin' to rule. Emma: You woke me up to tell me this? For the hundredth time, I'm sick. Oscar: It's always about you. I'm going to see the mayor. Fitzy: You're telling me my police force is working to rule? Oscar: Yeah. And this all started because Lacey is offering delivery at The Ruby. Fitzy: Thanks for coming to me with this information. Hello, this is the mayor. I hear you guys are offering delivery. Could you send over a cheeseburger and a chocolate milkshake? Wanda: Why the long face? Or at least a slightly less rounded face. Brent: I'm not enjoying being made fun of on the radio. Lacey: You can dish it out, but you can't take it. What's good for the goose is not good for the gander. Brent: Wait a minute, did you just call me a gander? Lacey: You are overreacting. Josh: The Mayor just called for delivery. Lacey: This is the worst thing that ever happened to me. Wanda: Didn't you find a racoon in your sock drawer? Lacey: This is the second worst thing that ever happened to me. I need help. Wanda: Yeah? Well, what do you want me to do about it, run it for ya? Lacey: Would you? Oh, right. You're being sarcastic. Wanda: I, uh, I wasn't. I would really be interested in doing it. I mean, you would have to pay me commission, which... Lacey: Done. Wanda: Brent would have to sign off on it and... Brent: I don't mind. Fitzy: What's this I hear about you guys working to rule? Karen: Oh, until there's more money in the police operating budget, everything is by the book. Fitzy: Well, here's the book. Davis: What is it? Fitzy: The Police Manual. Davis: Geez, it's thick. Karen: There are a lot of rules. Davis: Yeah, to work to. Chris (phone): Hi, there. This is the Jackal. Brent (phone): Hi. It's Brent Leroy calling. And people think that I'm Dog River Dave. So I'm wondering if you could clear that up. Chris (phone): You run the gas station? Brent (phone): Yeah. Chris (phone): Well, you are Dog River Dave. I stopped there for gas. You were making fun of me. Brent (phone): Oh, oh yeah. Ah, so could you stop? Chris (phone): You make fun of people. Now you're being made fun of. What can I say? I won't be silent, but I will be deadly. Brent (phone): I hope that was a sound effects machine. Hank: Whoa, whoa, whoa, go. Hey, come on, Karen. I'm on a delivery. Karen: I have no choice. Hank: I thought you were on a work to rule. Karen: I am. It turns out the rule is I have to give you a ticket. Oh, yeah, this is for the other day. Hank: Hey, can I ask you somethin'? Do you, do you think I'm the town's biggest laughing stock? Karen: No. Oscar is, then you. Brent: I don't know what to do. Emma: Can we do this another time? I'm not feeling that well. Brent: It's like I've become a town laughing stock. Oscar: Hey, say somethin' funny. Brent: It's finally happened. I'm becoming my father. Oscar: I don't get it. Brent: I meant I've become a laughing stock, like you. Oscar: You're funnier on the radio. Emma: You're gonna get your father all worked up. Brent: I'm sorry, I'm just really upset. People are makin' fun of me. Emma: You make fun of people all the time. Just take it. Brent: Yeah, I guess. Emma: Ah, I'm going back to bed. Brent: Why? Are ya sick? Lacey: Oh, Davis, hi. Oh, how are you? Have a seat. Can I get ya somethin', a, a coffee, a club? You know, whatever you want. Take your time. Davis: Uh, no, it's business. I have to follow up on a complaint that Oscar made. Lacey: You're kidding me? Davis: I wish I was. But I'm working to rule. Lacey: Well, what did he complain about? Davis: He said you called him cranky. Lacey: Uh-huh? Well, I did. Davis: He said it might be a hate crime. Lacey: Hey, Oscar. Did you complain to Davis about me calling you cranky? Oscar: It depends. Do you think this somethin' that people would laugh at me about? Lacey: Yes. Oscar: Forget about it, then. Lacey: Okay. So, can I, can I get you somethin' to eat? Davis: No, I've got to head back to the office and order some delivery. Lacey: What? You're right here. Davis: Call you in a few minutes. Oscar: I told ya, you should never have started that delivery service. Lacey: Oh, that is enough out of you, you, you... Oscar: Watch the hate crime. Hank: Hey, I need to talk to you about a raise. I'm gettin' a lot of parking tickets. Lacey: Well, go talk to Wanda. I put her in charge. Hank: Wanda's in charge? That's not fair. I, I was in on the ground floor. I will not be a laughing stock. I quit. Lacey: Oh, no. Oh, no. Oscar: Good people skills. Lacey: Hey. Brent: Hey. Mom told me not to let it bother me. Hey, how's the delivery goin'? Lacey: Too well. No one seems to want to eat in The Ruby anymore. Wanda: What are you doing? I thought you threw the radio away. Brent: I make fun of people all the time. I'm just gonna take it. Wanda: Well, do you have to take it right now? Chris (radio): Oh, please stop making fun of me. I'm just a nice man who pumps gas. Wanda: How dare he make fun of you! We don't have to put up with that. We should turn the radio off. Who's with me? Chris (radio): Today's segment of Dog River Dave brought to you by The Ruby. Brent: You sponsor this? Lacey: No, of course not. Chris (radio): Dog River's favourite restaurant now offering delivery. Same great food, but none of the annoying chatter. You're listening to the Jackal. Wanda: I don't remember using the word "annoying." Hank: It's not fair that everybody thinks that we're the town's biggest laughing stocks. Oscar: You I get. But, me? What did I ever do to this town? Ungrateful ungrates. Hank: Ingrates. I think that's ingrates. Oscar: Ingrateful ingrates. Hank: You know, we should do something to make people respect us. Oscar: Yeah, get them back on our side, get those ingrates back to being... Hank: Grates, I guess. Hey, people listen to Brent. They respect him. Oscar: And I'm a laughing stock. Figure that one out. Hank: Well, this could work for us. If we can do somethin' for Brent, you know, get him on our side. Emma (phone): Hello? Brent (phone): Hi, Mom. I just wanted to let you know I'm okay with the Dog River Dave thing. I took your advice. Passerby: Hey, it's Dog River Dave. Brent: Hey, why don't you come around tomorrow at 9 o'clock? We'll all listen to Dog River Dave. Brent (phone): So I just wanted to thank you. Emma (phone): No problem. Can I go lie down now? Brent (phone): You sound hoarse. What, are you sick? Wanda: Sorry about the ad. Just wanted the delivery service to be a success. But it's your place, it's not mine, it's not about me. Lacey: Aw, it's okay. Besides, I have a bigger problem. Hank quit. Wanda: How could he do that to me? Lacey: Hey, you know what? I can do it. Wanda: Oh, you really shouldn't. Lacey: No, I don't mind. I think this could be good. Wanda: Mm, I don't think so. Lacey: I'll take the deliveries. Wanda: One of the reasons that the delivery service is doing so well is that people don't have to...oh, how do I put this delicately, listen to you? Lacey: Good one, Wanda. But I am on to your sarcasm. Emma: Thanks again. Lacey: Aw. Emma: I should get to this before I have to heat it up for the second time. Lacey: You know, Emma, I want you to know that I appreciate your business. Eat in, eat out, it doesn't matter to me. Emma: Me neither. Bye, now. Lacey: Oh, hey, thanks again, you know, for the order and for, uh, for helping me to embrace change. Oh. Hey, you two. Oh. Okay. Well, I, I'd better go. I have more deliveries to do, so. Oh. Bye. Davis: Lacey's doing deliveries now? Emma: Yeah. Karen: Might as well just eat in at The Ruby, then. Emma: You guys want anything? Karen: We have to canvas the public for community policing initiatives. Emma: What does that mean? Davis: I don't know. Part of workin' to rule. Karen: I want to stop working to rule, but Davis won't let us stop. Davis: We can't. Otherwise we lose face. Karen: Lose face? I'd love to just lose face. Best case scenario, we lose face. Now we're just working harder. Davis: But we got face. Emma: You shouldn't be allowed to take any kind of job action. You're an essential service, in theory anyway. Karen: Hey, you're right. Thanks, Emma. Hank: You sure about this? Oscar: Yeah. The town will respect us. Hank: I don't know. I thought Brent was warming up to the idea. Oscar: That's just for show. Believe me, I know my son, and he hates it. Fitzy: Hey, did you guys hear that Lacey is actually doing the delivering? I mean what's the point of ordering in if...hey, you guys aren't working to rule. Davis: That's right. We're essentially a service. Karen: We're not allowed to work to rule. So we can work, but not to rule. That's a rule and the way it works. Davis: Yeah, what she said. Brent: Thanks, Mom. Emma: For what? Brent: For convincing me to embrace this Dog River Dave thing. This is the best thing that's ever happened to this town. That's kinda sad, isn't it? Emma: Yeah. Brent: All right, everybody, it's time. It's Dog River Dave time. Emma: This is kind of exciting. I'm glad I'm feeling better. Brent: Why, were you sick? Chris (radio): Hello. I'm Wullerton Willie and I'm a big jerk. But at least I'm not as dumb as all the people in Dog River. Hey, tomorrow we're going to be live in person in Wullerton with the Jackal Hummer. See you there, Wullerton. Emma: Wullerton? What did you do? Oscar: It wasn't Brent. We took care of it. Oscar: Dog River Dave says hello! Hank: Now who's the laughin' stock? Hank: No need to thank us. Oscar: Ungrates. Wanda: I thought you'd be happy. At least you don't have to deal with that Dog River Dave crap anymore. Brent: I guess I got used to it. I feel kinda lost now, like Superman without Lex Luthor or Batman without the Joker. Wanda: Beowulf without Grendel. Brent: If that helps you. Wanda: You should cheer yourself up. Have a chili cheese dog. Brent: Ah, I wish. But I don't think a chili cheese dog is gonna fix this. Two could maybe do it, though. Lacey: Two chili cheese dogs. You know, I coulda delivered these. Wanda: No, that's okay. Lacey: What is it? No one wants delivery anymore. Wanda: Maybe it's your people skills. Lacey: Ah, you being sarcastic? Wanda: Ah, works either way. Category:Transcripts